Harry Potter: The Quest for Harry Junior
by TangledWebs
Summary: Voldemort has finally found a way to defeat Harry. But Harry doesn't give up that easily...Hogwart's is getting interesting and more challenging. Set in sixth year. RR!
1. A Beginning Like No Other

Title: Harry Potter and the Quest for Harry Junior

Author: Courtney Hill

Rating: R

Disclaimer: This is all J.K. Rowling's…I'm so glad she thought this up so we could totally make fun of it and slander it.

Warning: If you don't like some slash and weird crap happening this is not for you…. Plus its totally making fun of Harry Potter…. So if can't roll with the punches don't read this and come out bloody and beat.

Chapter One: The Whole Thing begins and the Plot Thickens and bad stuff ensues…and yeah that's pretty much sums it up.

Somewhere in Great Britain

9:13 am

Voldemrot and Petigrew were sitting down to a nice breakfast of kippers and biscuits, when Voldemort staring down at his breakfast moodily looked up broody to see Peter shoving food in his mouth as fast as he possibly could. Completely oblivious to Voldemort's deep inner pain. Damn it! What did he pay this moron to do! Wait…I don't pay him, what do I torture this moron to do! He's suppose to notice when I'm sad. Voldy decided to be nice and help Petigrew along.

"This is your que to ask me what is wrong!" Voldemort hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

"What?" Peter didn't even look up from his plate; he ate at every meal like it was his last. And seeing how moody Voldemort. That was a good idea; Voldemort was as moody as a pmsing woman, not that Peter would know, as he'd never had a girlfriend. Or even a girl who was a friend.

"ASK ME WHAT IS WRONG!" Voldemort roared…honestly these people didn't bow enough or worship him enough. Damn fools, he thought as tears threatened to come out. He hated it when he got like this; the only thing that made it was better was a good dose of that Imperius curse on Petigrew.

"Ummm…what is wrrrong mmy, honnnorable dddark lorddd?" Petigrew stammered out at the sight of the wand, yesterday's two hours of the Imperius still fresh on his mind…well the sex afterwards was really on his…cough. Back to the matters at hand. His mouth hung gaping open with all his half chewed food showing.

"Don't talk with your mouth full, its rude." Oh yes, and he's Mr. Polite himself…anyway. "And yes, there is something wrong, I'm afraid it's making me rather moody." He mused.

"What's new?" Peter mumbled under his breath.

"WHAT?" Voldemort roared and Peter stumbled to clean up the mess he'd made, well not the one in his pants, that one would have to wait.

"I meant, I knew that…I mean whhat can I ddddo to make it better." He faltered under Voldemort's glower, but at the end of his words, Voldemort was nodding with a somewhat pleased expression. And Peter let out a sigh of relief, he might escape punishment after all.

"Well, now that you mention it, you can do something. Not that I've had this thought up for some time or anything…come here you pitiful rodent! We can't give the plot away so soon!" He drew Petigrew across the table with a flick of his wand. He whispered in his ear and Peter steadily grew paler.

"NO!" He protested at the end and tried to break away, Voldemort's face flushed a nasty red color. Because let's face it red is just not his color.

"Oh yes you will! I need to defeat Potter and by stealing his most valuable tool I will win! You better eat up! Tonight we strike!" Lighting flashes and Voldemort stands up, wiping his cloak around his face he stalks off.

Oddly enough, the mention of food makes Peter grow green. Looking down at the plate of food he was eating not so very long ago, makes him look like he's about to purge.

"Why do I always get myself in these situations?" He groans before gagging over his plate.

Hogwarts: Broom Closet 10:30 pm

"Harry that was wonderful." Ginny breathed and smiled up at Harry.

"Glad to make you happy." He smiled back at his girlfriend as they basked in a happy glow that follows after…well I'm going to take a leap and guess you know what they're doing in the broom closet. Here's a clue, it doesn't involve brooms or cleaning supplies.

He then happened to catch a glimpse of his watch, (don't ask how or why) and cursed a streak.

"What's wrong?" Ginny asked immediately alert as she shoved Harry off and started pulling on her clothes.

"The library closed an hour ago! Ron's to suspect something." Harry frantically followed her lead as he threw on his clothes with abandoned care.

Ginny suddenly stopped and stared at Harry as if seeing him in new light. "Harry, Ron's so dense that he hasn't even noticed that Hermoine's become a slut." Ginny explained slowly as if talking to a four year old.

"She has?" He asked looking scared and alarmed at the same time. Ginny snorted and said something that sounded strangely like dumbass.

"Come on, we better go." Harry grabbed Ginny's hand and pulled her from the room, throwing his cloak over the both of them until the made it to the entrance to portrait then he pulled it off and they entered the room together to face….

With Ron who was working on a nasty essay, one he'd been working on since Ginny and Harry had left, five hours ago. Ron looked up and took them in. His face was expressionless and told them nothing. Harry started to sweat lightly.

"Harry, Ginny…studying at the library." It was a statement not a question, but his tone was bright. And he hadn't noticed their flush faces, the marks on Ginny's neck that were in plain view, the way their clothes were half buttoned and rumpled, or how Harry was wearing Ginny's shirt by mistake, and he even didn't catch how they were holding hands.

"Yep, well I'm exhausted. Good night." Ginny gave a big fake yawn and brushed past Harry on her way up to the dorms. Harry stared after her dreamily for a moment before turning back to Ron with a thoughtful look.

"Ron.." He started hesitantly. "Do you think Hermoine's a slut?" Ron looked up outraged. He pointed a finger at Hermoine who was sitting on top of Semus currently making out madly in an armchair. She was wearing a tank top that didn't even qualify to be a shirt, with a skintight mini, fishnets, and heels that could impale you if you so desired.

"Does that look like a slut to you?" Ron asked as he glared at Harry for even suggesting what she was. "Look, she's helping Semus with his homework, and you're her friend. I'm appalled you could think such a thing about Hermoine."

Harry looked down abashed and nodded. "Your right….Its just Ginny said…" Harry started and Ron cut in.

"Ginny? You're listening to her? Listen Harry, Ginny has no idea of what's going on. I do. I know everything that's going on, women know nothing." Harry gave a funny look at Ron then and decided it was time to go to bed.

"I'm going to bed, night Herm!" He called, she merely gave him the finger and he waved back with a small chuckle. "Pmsing…" He whispered to Ron and they laughed over that.

"Nite mate…..oohhh shiny!" Ron exclaimed as he saw something that only he could see. Harry rolled his eyes and headed to his bed.

And it was while, Ron played with shiny, and Hermoine snuck out to meet Draco Malfoy, and Harry slept. That a rat entered into Hogwarts, up into the Gryffindor tower, into the dormitory and to Harry's sleeping form. Then it left with something in his mouth, it could be short or long, depends at what angle you look at it from.

The Next Morning

Harry woke up to a bright sunny day and stretched. He was the only one left in the dorm. And the quiet was a luxury he was enjoying. Only finally dragging himself up and going to the bathroom. But there was no twinkling and his hand merely gasped air. Harry then looked down and saw the unthinkable…  
Harry Junior was missing! 


	2. Surgeries and Remembering a Golden Past

**Title: Harry Potter and the Quest for Harry Junior**

**Rating: R for Violence, slash, humor, sexual references, let's just say its R for every single bad thing possible.**

**Warning: If you aren't willing to open your mind up, then take your closed mind and go. Because we have a bit of everything so you might not like this if you're of the faint hearted kind.**

**Disclaimer: Gotta love J.K. for writing such a great story line so I could totally abuse it. This all belongs to her; I only have my sick humor.**

Chapter Two: Surgeries and Memories

Great Britain

(Still unknown)

Early Morning

Voldmeort did his victory dance as Peter brushed his teeth vigorously, Voldmemort's eyes gleamed red as the held the container. Petigrew was pale and was looking as if he might start vomiting again.

"We have defeated him! He hasn't gotten the balls to challenge us now!" Voldemort cackled at his own joke. Petigrew turned green around the gills at the mention of balls.

"Oh buck up, its not like you haven't ever had a dick in your mouth before. You and I…" Voldemort said unsympathetic as Peter ran to the toilet and retched again. Then he got back into his happy mode.

"Spineless creature, go get the doctor's bag and come over here!" Voldemort demanded as Peter brightened and actually started to bounce on his feet.

"Are we going to play doctor?" He asked as his eyes turned hopeful on Voldemort.

"Hell no, you know we only play that at night in my bed…however there could be an exception….okay, first we play doctor then we do surgery." He ordered as he herded Peter in the bedroom.

"What are you going to operate on?" He asked curious. Voldemort smirked evilly and held up the container.

"Not me, you…your going to be adding something to me…" He smiled down wickedly at Peter. The door closed and all you could hear was "Oh hell no…." Then all you could hear were the screams…of pleasure.

Hogwarts

Hospital Wing

10:00 am

"Its official…Harry Junior is indeed missing." Madam Pomfrey announced after a very thorough exam. emphasis on thorough

Harry who was laying on the cot with Mcgonall on his right and Dumbledore on his left started crying. He'd never thought it was possible to lose your member. Tears were coming down Mcgonall's face.

"I'm going to miss Harry Junior…" She whispered as her tears fell onto the white bedspread. Dumbledore started at her words.

"I mean er…" But Dumbledore cut in before she could finish her lame excuse.

"Me too." Then he too let a tear fall. Harry was sitting up looking at the flat and empty spot above the sacred ground that had once held Harry Junior.

"I can't believe he left…I always feed his appetites and I always washed him…Why would he do this to me? I thought we were friends." The grief in Harry's voice spoke volumes.

"It's okay, Potter…these things happen…well they've never happened before but then again you've always been a freak with that scar and all." Dumbledore stated and then stood up. Offering his arm to Minerva.

"Well, there's nothing to be done…he's just a nobody now, let's go find a somebody." He offered and she stood with a smile as they walked to the door a sentence floated back.

"I hear that Mr. Malfoy is very willing…" Harry stared at their backs in disbelief and then Madam Pomfrey brought him his clothes. He stared at them in surprise.

"What are these for?" He asked stupidly, she sighed at him and rolled her eyes at his stupidly.

"They're your clothes, your to leave…there's no reason you should stay here. There's nothing I can do about you not being a man." She answered snidely as she turned to walk away.

"But I can't go out there…don't throw me out there…" But she was already gone, Harry put on his clothes slowly then walked out the door. He went into the girl's bathroom to find Myrtle who was not sympatric at all to his tale.

"So now that you're a loser you want to spend time with me…well forget it! I don't want to be seen around you!" Then she disappeared down a toilet. Harry stared and then slid down to the floor.

"I was a winner once." But his tone was weak and it came out a question more then anything else.


	3. Hoe I mean Cho!

**Title: Harry Potter and the Quest for Harry Junior (Nope we haven't changed the title yet...)**

**Author: Tangled Webs**

**Disclaimer: As if I could ever own something like this…in my dreams…its so not mine, my only comfort is that its not yours either.**

**Warning: You will encounter slash, violence, sexual humor, nudity- no wait that's only in movies, really bad innuendoes, and stupid stuff. So if you don't like this stuff, why are you even reading the third chapter?**

**Chapter Three: Hoe…I mean Cho!**

It had been a terrible week, starting off with Harry losing Harry Junior. For Harry, Harry Junior could not have departed at a worse time. Harry felt like a man without a cause, there was nothing there to guide him in tough decisions. Harry couldn't wear the pants in his relationship with Ginny, so he took to avoiding her. And now, Harry had lost to Slytherin, Draco Malfoy had caught the snitch before Harry had ever seen it. But it wasn't Harry's fault that he couldn't get into game mode without Harry Junior. They had been a team, and Harry couldn't believe that Harry Junior could just leave him like that. It was then when Harry was in the pits that Cho would enter.

She was wearing a skin tight black dress that left nothing to the imagination, and if you didn't have a imagination, then it would inspire you to have one. _Another nice girl just like Hermoine. _Harry thought as she sat down on his lap.

"Harry you seem depressed…maybe I could be of assistance?" Hoe, I mean Cho whispered in his ear huskily as she grinded against him.

"Actually, no." Harry tried to detangled himself from her, at any other time this would have welcomed and indeed he would have found a abandoned classroom for them. But it was already hard enough to not let Ginny in on his er-condition, he didn't need Hoe right now making things harder.

"Come on Harry…I know what you like. And we always have so much fun…" Hoe…Cho said as she licked his ear, then kissed Harry. And that distracted him so much he didn't notice her unzipping his pants until it was too late.

"Hoe…I mean Cho! Don't do that!" But alas the warning came to late, she'd already seen the empty space and had fallen from Harry's lap in shock. She hit her head on a stone step and fell to the floor where she started having a seizure.

Due to the fall and hitting her head, Hoe lost her memory of the terrible incident, but at a dreadful cost. She lost all her memories all together, her family didn't want a hoe like that, so she went to St. Mungos, where she met a wonderful man named Gilderoy Lockhart. Who seemed as oblivious to the world as she. They married and have a sex life that continues to keep the night nursing staff up all night. But back to our story , for who wants to hear about a hoe like that?

Harry was pacing in the bathroom that Dumbledore had shoved him in after the whole Cho thing. Promising to take care of it, so no one would hear about his disgrace. He was looking in the mirror wondering at how his life could change so dramatically when he heard someone enter. Quickly he went over to one of the bowls and unzipped his pants, confident that bathroom code would protect him.

Ron walked in and nodded at Harry, he unzipped his pants and faced straight ahead. No words were exchanged and they both stared at the wall straight ahead, until Ron peeked over. His eyes widened.

"Harry, you have no pen-" Ron yelled.

"YOU LOOKED?" Harry roared even louder then Ron, in disbelief that Ron would break the sacred no peeking rule.

"Well, I like to compare…" Was all Ron could say in his defense before he was yet again cut off.

"Compare? Ron, you would break our oldest rule for that? How could you?" Harry asked with a angry expression.

"Merlin, I don't know how I could…my life is ruined. I need to be alone." Ron ran out the door crying, forgetting Rule number two and three, zip up your pants and wash your hands.

Harry sigh, zipped up his pants, washed his hands, and walked out the door to see…Malfoy with his girlfriend. He stopped and stared as the two whispered in the hall.

"Do I need a library card, or do you mind if I check you out?" Draco's voice carried over to Harry and he watched as Ginny reached out and playfully punched him in the arm.

"Ginny, why are you letting Malfoy bother you?" He called out and the two looked up with annoyed expression, as if they didn't want to be interrupted which was odd seeing as Ginny hated Malfoy. Then he saw Malfoy's hand reach out and slap Ginny's ass.

"Hey, you can't do that to my girlfriend!" He yelped and stared forward as if to take on Malfoy, but he really didn't have a chance since he was without Harry Junior. But Malfoy's next words stopped him cold in his tracks.

"Potter, that's were your mistaken…she's mine." Was Draco's cool reply, as his arm wrapped possessively around Ginny's waist. She did nothing to stop him. Harry knew she liked a guy who wore the pants in the relationship…and Draco could certainly wear the pants. Then Harry chided himself for thinking about Malfoy that way. They'd already tried it out, and Draco wasn't happy on the bottom, he always wanted to be on the top… wait back to Ginny.

"Ginny?" He tried pathetically one more time, he wasn't willing to give up so easily.. It just couldn't be that way. This couldn't be the end of them…

"Harry, I'm fed up with you not being around. I know your cheating on me with Hoe! You guys screwed so much she finally couldn't take it all and had a breakdown. Don't deny it! Dumbledore told us all. There's that and I'm pregnant with Draco's child." Then again it could be the end of them. Harry marveled at Dumbledore's lie. It was so nice of him to keep Harry's reputation intact. Then Harry heard the end of Ginny's statement.

"But…but that means that you were cheating with him before I was! If I had been!" Harry whined and Ginny suddenly flushed.

"Maybe its because he has a bigger di-" But by then Harry had ran away crying. Draco rolled his eyes and Ginny sighed.

"What a wanker." Draco snorted in disgust before turning back to Ginny.

"Just shut up and make hate to me!" She demanded. They didn't call what they had love, it was hate. So they had come up with a new phrase.

Draco smirked and yanked up Ginny's skirt. "I love it when you talk dirty."

"I said shut up!" Then Ginny shut him up finally…

Common Room

Ron sat crying in the common room to Hermoine, who was sitting next to him, staring open mouthed at his still opened pants. He still hadn't zipped up his pants…and the sight was making Hermoine speechless.

"I mean I only look every other week! It makes me feel better about myself…Its called Harry Junior for a reason!"

"I believe it…I mean its okay, Ron." Hermoine patted Ron on the back as she continued to stare at his fantastic member. Suddenly Ron stopped crying and buried his face in Hermoine's neck.

"You know what would make all this better?" He whispered into her neck. She had stopped moving and breathing. Could it be…had Ron finally noticed?

"Chocolate cake." He finished and Hermoine sighed disappointed, someone up there really had it out for her.

Then Harry entered the room, he looked dejected but there was a determined air about him. The glint in his eyes tipped Hermoine off. She realized that they were going to do something dangerous or stupid. Or if they were really lucky it could be both.

"We're going on a quest!" He announced grandly.

"Oh boy.." Hermoine rolled her eyes at him. Harry just beamed at her.

"I knew I could count on you, Herm." He smiled at her so not excited or even happy face.

"Well, I'll do whatever you want me to, just like that one night. Where you came to my bed and we took off all our clothes and played that game." Ron started to explain.

"Shut up." Harry hissed and Hermoine shot them a suspicious look.

"Yay! We're going on a quest." Ron shouted and jumped up as his pants slid off and onto the floor. Suddenly, Hermoine forgot everything as she stared. And with that the quest began, right after Hermoine tackled Ron and had him for all he was worth.


	4. Guess What!

**Title: Harry Potter: The Quest For Harry Junior**

**Author: Tangled Webs**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: The characters and everything belong not to thy, I find thyself lost in my passion to own this wonderful creation…I only own this wonderful plot….stop laughing. Really, you know it's awesome…okay your right it's the best HP fan fiction out there. J/K!**

**Chapter 4: Guess what!**

Hey all! This story is discontinued currently until its brought back by popular demand (like that's going to happen) because I have so many things to do and other stories I want out there. I love writing this…but there are more serious things I want to write and no one likes this sick humor anyway. So, sorry but this will be the end until I feel like changing its status.


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